Pavlov's Baby, or Stupid babies need the most love, Part 4

First, watch the following video.



Between the three of us, Husband, my mother, and I appear to have classically conditioned my kid. I'm not quite sure how it started. I think it was my mother trying to teach him to talk around seven months. Since I talked at nine months, and my first word was light, she's been on top of this kid to say light.
Say light! she'll coo.
Lelelelelele, he replies.
That's right! she says, in perfect motherese. Light!
Eventually this kid started looking up at the light when she asked him to say light. Then we started noticing that he could point. So we began asking him to point to the light. At first he looked at us cluelessly. Then he started looking at the light. One day something connected and his index finger shot out and his arm extended with the enthusiasm of a Nazi, affirming allegiance to the Fuhrer.*
Being semi-doting parents and a very overly-doting grandmother, we made a huge deal over this. We clapped and cheered like idiots. Loudly. Enthusiastically. Repeatedly. My kid got a huge smile on his face, which of course suckered the three of us in. We began asking him to point to the light wherever we were. He did it in the dining room while eating. He did it in the living room, bathroom, and bedrooms. He pointed to lights at grocery stores and restaurants. We clapped, he clapped, and all were happy.
One day he stopped pointing. Out of nowhere. We asked, whined, begged for him to point to the light, and he just wouldn't do it. Initially he just gave us a look that said are you people really so stupid that you don't know where the fucking light is? Then he went straight from the question to the clapping and smiling.
We weren't concerned at first. We just tried reasoning with him.
No, Baby, we explained. If you want clap-clap, you have to point to the light.
We thought maybe he just needed to be redirected and reminded of how this clap-clap thing works. He didn't point.
Baby, we sighed, can you please point to the light? He didn't point.
Then we did that thing that adults do that kids love-once-and then get sick of and think the adult is much stupider than the kids themselves.
Baby, can you help us out, please? Mama and Dad don't know where the light is. Can you point to the light?
He clapped and smiled.
I started to worry. Husband, I whimpered. I think he's regressing.
Why?
Because he can't point to the light anymore. He used to be able to do that, and now he can't. My eyes got teary as I thought of years of IEPs and child-study meetings, if he was even functional enough to go to school.
Sweetie. He sighed and rolled his eyes. Again. He's not getting dumber. He's a baby. Babies do whatever they want.
But I knew the truth. I knew he was getting dumber. I added it to the list of reasons my kid would, in no way, ever have the capability to be a productive member of society:
1. Cries every time he's strapped into carseat, even though carseat reasons have been explained to him multiple times.
2. Dances, even when there is no music on.
3. Couldn't walk or talk at the same age I talked and walked (9 months).
4. Thinks books are to be read upside down.
5. Stands and tries to walk in the bath.
6. Continually picks up the extension cord in the living room.
7. Thinks Behind the TV Stand is an appropriate place for a baby to go.
8. Makes the sign for more when he wants to eat.
9. Makes the sign for milk, even when he is drinking water.
10. Makes the sign for "How the fuck do I know?" when telling us he's finished.
11. Can't point to the light.

But I kept trying. I wasn't going to end up with a kid who can't point to the fucking light. He continued to smile and clap, and I continued to explain that I ain't clap-clapping if he ain't producing. If he managed to get a point, or even a glance in the direction of the light, I clapped as excitedly as I would at a BNL concert.
Then I thought about my psychology class in college, Principles of Learning, and wondered if we'd created the baby equivalent of Pavlov's dogs. What if we had conditioned the baby to clap when asked to point to the light? I tested my theory on a visit to the 8th Circle last week.
Okay, Baby, where's the light?
Clap and smile.
Okay, Baby, where's the...
Clap and smile.
Baby, baby, I didn't even finish my question. Then it hit me, and I ran some more tests.
Where's the tampons?
Clap and smile.
Where's the formula?
Clap and smile.
Where's the fatass?
Clap and smile.
Where's mama?
Clap and smile.
Where's the Trojans**?
Clap and smile.
Where's the redneck?
Clap and smile.
And so on. I amused myself for a good ten minutes, and my kid was happy, as evidenced by all the clapping and smiling.
Finally, Okay, Baby. I paused for dramatic effect. Where?
Clap and smile.
Yep. I have conditioned my child to clap when someone says the word where to him.
It's not like we could have afforded college anyway.

*I can't wait to see what statcounter turns up for this one.
**Or this one.