The Babysitter Blues

Part of the reason we moved was so Husband could go back to school at night and stay home with Baby during the day. We knew we'd have to do some child care, but we figured we'd need so little that we could hire a college student to come in a few hours a week. All summer I've been nagging him to find someone so we (I) have one less thing to worry about as I'm preparing to go back to school. All summer he's been saying it'll work itself out once his university gives him his schedule. Well, I go back in a week and a half, and he still doesn't know his schedule. He does, however, know enough about it to know that we will need almost full time care. I'm pretty bummed about this because I think it's important for one parent to stay home. I was feeling jealous of Husband being able to get to spend all this extra time with Baby, while I had to work, but at least Baby was going to be home with one of us.
Once we realized we'd need full time care, I started flipping out, as I am more than prone to do. The flipping out got so bad that I actually picked up the phone and started calling day care centers in the area, and I will do almost anything to get out of making a phone call. My phone anxiety is so bad that I hardly even even talk to close friends on the phone anymore because I get so worried about how the conversation will go. I probably called five different places and emailed several more. Overwhelmingly they did not take infants or were full. I was panicking, but by noon, Husband and I had an appointment to look at a center about 15 minutes from our house. As we drove, the area became more and more run down, until we came to a nearly abandoned strip mall which housed the daycare, a dollar store, and a church which looked like the type of church where you have to bring your own snake. I gripped Husband's hand, and we walked through the unlocked front door. We saw two dim, crowded rooms filled with the cutest children I'd ever seen. They were all napping or trying not to nap, so the center was very quiet. The director led us into the infant room, which was a narrow room lined with cribs on two of the walls. The infant room smelled really funny. So did the rest of the center. One employee was sitting in a rocking chair, and the other was standing up changing a diaper. The center director led us through the infant room, answered our questions, gave us a brochure, and escorted us out of the center. On the way home, Husband and I discussed the center. We had no problem with Baby being the only Caucasian baby there, but we did take issue with the lack of space. And I just did not like the smell one bit. On the way home, I worked myself up into another little tizzy about our lack of childcare options. I looked on craigslist, sent a few emails, and then we left to visit KinderCare. The KinderCare facility was clean, bright, the employees were friendly, and Husband mused "I can see where the extra $70 a week goes." We felt comfortable with the atmosphere and employees, but not the cost.
When we arrived home, I had several replies to my emails, including the mother of a former student. I called her right away and set up a time for her to meet Baby and Husband.
The meeting was a little awkward, but her rates were reasonable, and she could drop Baby off at school with me when she picked up her kids. Within a week she had Baby napping two hours each morning in a pack-n-play. I felt a little less guilty for going off to work each morning because I knew I could see Baby by 3 p.m. each day. I got to show him off too my co-workers who offered to hold him, talked to him, and told me how exceedingly cute my child is. He's very cute when he shows off, which he does for other people.
The babysitter quit on Thursday. She sent me an email on Thursday morning. I called Husband sobbing during my first break of the day. I tried not to cry or be emotional about it because I don't want to be the teacher who cries in her classroom, but I couldn't help it. I was panicky and devastated, clutching a tissue and wishing I could be a stay at home mom. Husband assured me that everything would be fine, and we set up a plan for him to call places and me to call places and by my next break, I was all set to go back to KinderCare and register Baby for their last infant spot. The director kept giving me a look as though she knew all along that we'd come crawling back. I wrote her a very large check and feel nauseous over the thought that our childcare is as expensive as our share of the mortgage. I have a mountain of paperwork to fill out.
My tears are slowly drying up, and I am seeing the benefits of the situation. We don't have to worry about what happens when a babysitter's child gets sick. I can get more done in my classroom after school, and then I'll have more time with Baby and Husband in the evenings. Theoretically, I could go to the gym between school and picking Baby up from day care. I'm just crushed that I have to look at these benefits at all.
Maybe someday we'll be in a position financially for me to be able to stay home and hang out with my kid. Probably not, but at least we know he's being taken care of at a place where there are other kids for him to play with and grown-ups who will interact with him. I just wish I could be the grown-up interacting with him each day.