The Fight

A few weeks ago Husband and I got into an argument over household responsibilities. We both seem to feel like we're burdened with our various school commitments, childcare responsibilities, and lack of free time. So a few weeks ago, I was feeling rather overwhelmed by the messiness of the house, and I mentioned this to Husband. The conversation was a calm one, and I told him all the things he doesn't do to help around the house, he told me I was being unreasonable, and I told him to fuck off and cleaned the kitchen out of spite. At 11:30 p.m. I was pretty tired and cranky at work the next day, and without going into detail or laying blame, I mentioned to some coworkers that Husband and I had had an argument over chores which ended with me saying what I said. They nodded and said things like "Oh yeah, that's a bad one," or "I hate having that fight," or "We've had that fight too," in sympathetic tones. They offered unsolicited suggestions ranging from the passive aggressive (let the dishes pile up in the sink until so much time has passed that you no longer own dishes because it's 3,000 years later, you're dead and some archaeologist is rejoicing in the tremendous find of your sink full of dirty dishes and what can be learned from it) to the practical (just make a chore chart and divide up the chores).
I like the chore chart idea, but we've done it before. Husband and I are both blessed with an incredible lack of follow-through that makes the chore chart challenging. When we tried it before, we wrote down the list of chores, assigned each chore a point value, and divided the list so we'd have a roughly even number of points to complete on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. I stopped doing my chores pretty quickly, under the banner of "I have to drive an hour each way to work." I stopped doing a lot of things under that banner. Not only did I stop doing my chores, I also started panning them off on Husband. I'd ask, in a whiny voice that gets me nothing but eye rolling and heavy sighs from him, "Could you pleeeeeaase put some laundry in/wash the dishes/put away laundry?" He'd roll his eyes, sigh, remind me that it was my chore that I was asking him to do, and ask me when was the last time I went to the grocery store/cleaned the toilet/folded laundry/put gas in the car. I'd remind him that I drove an hour to work and the least he could do was understand how tired I was. He'd roll his eyes again, sigh again, and promise to do whatever I'd requested. I'd cry and go to bed. Eventually we stopped even pretending we had a chore chart, and Husband did the majority of household upkeep. I tried to remember to pay the bills, but that was the extent of my contributions.
When we moved, I told Husband that I didn't want to buy a house if we were going to live in squalor like we did in our apartment. He agreed, and we both agreed that we needed to come up with some system. We don't have a system, and we look around and say "Well, it's better than it was before," like someone who's quit doing crack and is now just doing pot.
I try really hard, but I feel overwhelmed. The state of the house makes me feel really tense, but the it's an overwhelming prospect to get it in shape. For awhile I was trying to fold laundry while watching The Sopranos, but I got chastised for not paying attention, the laundry piled up, and now it's just too daunting for me. I've been doing okay with controlling the clutter in the living room, but clutter is sneaky. Then there's the kitchen. I hate a messy kitchen, and because of some fruit that was accidentally left out, our kitchen is now a breeding ground for fruit flies. I'm generally the one who messes up the kitchen. I firmly believe that the kitchen should be cleaned up right after eating, and cleaned with counters scrubbed and floors swept. I hate cleaning the kitchen, though. I hate the way dishwashing soap makes my hands feel, I hate scrubbing things because I leave fingerprints on them, and I especially hate putting away dishes. That's my most hated chore of all. I'd rather scrub the toilet than put away dishes. It's weird, I know.
I'm not sure where the compromise is on all this. In my mind, it's something like me doing all the cooking, unless it's chicken nuggets or frozen pizza night, the vacuuming, paying the bills, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, going to the grocery store sans Baby, and washing the sheets and Baby's clothes. Husband will be in charge of cleaning up the kitchen immediately after we eat, emptying the dishwasher within 24 hours of it being run, putting away clean dishes within 24 hours of them being done, doing and folding the laundry so that we always have clothes when we need them, and taking out the trash and recycling as soon as it's necessary (i.e. when I want it done). But that's just what makes sense to me. We don't really talk very often about a solution, other than offer platitudes like "We'll work something out." I know I'm all for avoiding tension these days. I hope we do work something out, and soon. Otherwise the archaeologists are going to find us buried under a mountain of dirty laundry 3,000 years from now.