Facing the Fat

Jen has been writing about her journey on Weight Watchers for a few weeks now, both on her blog and on Fight the Fluffy. I offhandedly mentioned to my mother that maybe we should do sign up as well, after the holidays, since Jen has had so much success with it. She came home after Thanksgiving and asked if I'd signed up yet. I said I hadn't, and she handed me her credit card. I had so many reasons not to do it. I was waiting until all the Cherry Cokes in the fridge were gone. I wanted to enjoy Christmas. I love food. And when I look in the mirror, I don't see a fat girl. I truly don't see a fat girl in the mirror, but when I see photographs of myself, I do. The way my clothes fit back up the photos' assertions that I am not a skinny girl. One of my students asked me why me and everyone in my family is chubby.
So I signed up. As of November 27, I have been a member of Weight Watchers. I'm not a going to meetings and crying with other women type of member. I'm a sitting at home in front of my computer meticulously entering every single morsel of food I've eaten for the day type of member.
I haven't told anyone, except for one co-worker who offered me some of her granola my first day on the plan, Caroline, and Scottie. For whatever reason, I feel ashamed that I am doing WW. I think it's because signing up, talking about it, forces me to face my weight and face how I look.
I'm hungry all the time, and I've found WW's online system to be a bit addicting. I just spent several minutes trying to figure out how many points 14 M&Ms are worth. In the morning, I experiment with exactly how little cream cheese I can have on my English muffin and still have some taste to it. I've become very disciplined about not going over my alloted 20 points a day, disciplined to the point where I often don't hit my 20 points, which kind of defeats the purpose. I am supposed to hit the 20 points each day.
My 20 points are based on my weight (150 pounds) and my goal weight (110.1 pounds). I am supposed to weigh myself every Monday, and the first week I lost either four or six pounds. I don't remember. I question the reliability of my scale, because I bought it at a little market in New York five years ago, but it gets the job done for now.
I eat very slowly now. I savor each bite, and I try to make my small portions last as long as they possibly can. Everything is measured and will be until I can eyeball what a teaspoon looks like or a cup looks like. I am constantly hungry. I am constantly thinking about food. I think that's a good thing. Before, I used to think about food then go and eat some. Whatever I wanted. Now, I think about food, think about how I'm hungry, and I think about my choices. I eat some grapes or some popcorn.
WW is big on "lite" foods, foods that have been artificially sweetened. I won't do artificial sweeteners, so I've basically given up things like sodas and ice cream, at least for now.
While I both want to be a skinny girl and fit into my clothes again, I'm not really doing this for me. I'm doing this for my kid. It's my responsibility as his Mama to model a healthy lifestyle for him. It's my job to be the best person I can possibly be, and being healthy with food is a small part of that.