Willpower

I spent some time in Walgreen's today picking up Baby's latest prescription. I wandered to the pharmacy counter by way of the hair color aisle and was struck with a very strong urge to color my hair red. I haven't colored my hair red since December of 2002, when an aunt of mine, someone I'm no longer associated with, did it for me one Christmas. I haven't colored my hair in general since right before I got married, and I swore I'd never color my hair from a box again.
But there I was, holding the box of Garnier in one hand, a squirmy Baby in the other arm, trying to stifle the urge to become a redhead sometime tonight. I wasn't even going to tell anyone. I was just going to do it.
I'm not sure where the urge came from. I think it was part boredom, part a rebellious streak I've found myself having since Baby was born. The rebellious streak manifests itself in really small ways. When someone has to yield to me at a yield sign, I yell "YIELD, MOTHERFUCKER." I get the urge to take something-like a pack of gum-from a store (I never do). Tonight I had to grab my bag from the car, and as I walked to the street, I thought, I could just leave. Leave and not come back for awhile. It didn't matter that Husband was waiting on me to help give Baby his nebulizer treatment and put him to bed. It didn't matter that I didn't have my wallet, ID, or phone. I had the keys and 1/2 a tank of gas. I could have just left. So I think that's where the urge to dye my hair red came from.
I didn't purchase the hair color just then. I figured that I'd need to come back to actually pick up the prescription, so I could just get it then, along with baby Tylenol, baby Florastor, and various other baby things. I also wondered a little about the dangers of the chemicals, especially while breastfeeding. I knew I had to make a stop at the fundamentalist Christian grocery store, and I thought maybe I'd look in their organic section to see if they had something henna based. I also thought I could duck into the organic natural food market across the street from Walgreen's to see what they had.
The whole time I was debating this, Baby fussed and squirmed in my arms. Eventually I put the box of Garnier down and headed to the pharmacy counter. I dropped off the prescription, wrestled a socksless Baby into his carseat and wondered why I hadn't just walked the 1/2 block to the grocery store. Once in the grocery store, I headed straight for the organic hair color aisle, scrutinized the four choices, sang "Disco Inferno" to a screaming Baby, and decided to focus on my actual task-buying groceries for dinner. I left the grocery store without any red hair dye and headed back to Walgreens.
Back at Walgreens I meandered through the hair care aisle. I checked the warning and cautions and walked to the pharmacy counter with "Pomegranate" in my hand. I thought about $9.99 price tag and felt guilty. I bitch and moan all the time about our lack of money and how we really can't afford for me to spend $9.99 on something so vain. I told myself it's just $10, so why not. My superego and my id argued back and forth about the expense and the vanity and the innate selfishness in this desire. I really really really wanted to color my hair.
My hair is still dishwater brown. Instead of paying $10 for hair coloring, I got a temporary fix by purchasing a tube of Carmex, which I hadn't done since early college. I still want to color my hair, but I can hold out a little longer.