Mmmmm...4 lbs of bacon...

A few months ago I made another babystep into adulthood and joined Costco. I reasoned that it would be cheaper to buy diapers, formula, and 15 gallon vats of olive oil. The first time I went to Costco, Baby and I strolled around the store for 90 minutes, both of us equally mesmerized by the sheer volume of people and bulk products. We came out of that trip $96 poorer, having acquired a 19 pack of dry erase markers, a 100 calorie bulk snack pack, 3,000 Clorox wipes, and 6 boxes of gallon sized freezer bags.
We ran out of formula last night, and I have promised my students a goldfish (the snack that smiles back) party, so I knew it was time for another trip to Costco. I loaded a fussy Baby into the car and drove the 15 minutes past Target, Sam's Club, and Wal-Mart. I circled the parking lot, finally finding a space next to the cart return. As a parent with an infant, a spot next to the cart return is more important to me than a close spot.
I forgot to switch cars with Husband, so I was stuck in my we don't need to get a family friendly car, Husband, it'll be like six years before we have a kid Honda Civic coupe. My first trip to Costco was also in this car and it took some Tetris-like maneuvering to get everything to fit. I was pissed that I'd managed to come to Costco in this car once again. One of the problems with my super fun Civic coupe is that it's a two door. In order to get Baby in or out of the car I have to fold the seat forward, push it all the way up, and yank really hard on the release button on the carseat. At this point, the carseat doesn't budge, and I repeat the process, only this time I brace my foot against the door jamb and pull again, or push, if I'm trying to get him in. Then I find myself actually hunching in the car in a space that's not big enough for both me and a babyseat. I brace myself against the back of the passenger seat and yank until the carseat comes flying at me and hits me on the head. True story. I go through this every day when I come home from picking Baby up from daycare. So I was not thrilled to have to repeat the process, this time with a 400 pack of Gatorade or something like that.
I snagged a cart from the convenient cart return and headed inside. Baby was fussing and squirming, so I started singing him songs like this one, which I made up while he was in the hospital. I made it up because he had this thing on his toe which turned it red. The tune is the same as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer:
Baby, the red toed baby,
Had a very shiny toe.
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glowed (like a light bulb)
All of the other babies
Used to laugh and call him names (like Toe-noccio).
They never let poor Baby,
Join in any baby games (like Monopoly).
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say (ho, ho, ho)
"Baby, with your toe so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then how the babies loved him,
As they shouted out with glee (Yippie!)
Baby, the red toed baby,
You'll go down in his-tor-y (like Colombus!)

My song held Baby long enough for me to find the baby formula-not the kind we normally use, but if we're getting an extra 12 ounces for $5 more, he can switch-and throw it in the cart.
Diapers were more of a struggle for me. They had Huggies, which we use, but they had snug fit, not natural fit, and I wasn't sure my Civic had room for 300+ diapers in it. I decided I'd think about it while I found my other purchases.
Husband had asked for snacks, so I wandered through the snack food aisle. I had no direction and a Baby to distract, so it wasn't my most focused snack search. I came up empty handed and before I knew better, I was in the kitchenware section.
I love kitchenwares-overly specific gadgets, storage units, canisters. I really wanted some canisters, but I didn't see any. My kitchen isn't really big enough for canisters anyway. I almost bought a 48 piece set of food storage containers for when I actually get around to making homemade baby food. I talked myself down from that ledge and stumbled upon a selection of tea kettles. I love me a hot cuppa, and I haven't had one since before I got knocked up. I recently decided to part with my beloved electric kettle, and I haven't really felt like I should spend the money on a new stovetop one. But here I was, in Costco, staring at $18 tea kettles. I surveyed the selection. Two colors, blue and red. I chose red and picked one up. Then, I noticed a little sticker on the box: sell by Nov. 11. The tea kettle was expired! Fuck that, I thought. I'm not buying an expired tea kettle. I put it back for some other sucker to purchase and found one that did not have an expiration date sticker on it.
Focus, I told Baby. We've got to focus. We beelined for the food section, determined to find Husband some snacks and Baby some baby food. I wandered through that fucking food section 10 times. I disgustedly looked at a 4lb pack of bacon. Who would eat that? Who would be able to eat bacon after seeing it in 4lb form? I thought. Oh yeah, Husband would. Maybe I should get him 96 mini cream puffs. He likes mini cream puffs. I like mini cream puffs, too. Oooooh, maybe they have mini quiches, and instead of making home made mac and cheese for dinner, I can make mini quiches. Oh, yum.
At the end of this stream of consciousness, I found myself needing to calm an exceedingly fussy Baby and staring at The Cheesecake Factory section. This section sold frozen Cheesecake Factory cheesecakes. The box informed me that each cheesecake weighed 3.5 lbs. I asked myself, do I really need 3.5 lbs of cheesecake? I answered myself, why yes, I do need 3.5 lbs of cheesecake.
I didn't get the cheesecake. At that point Baby only wanted to be held, and I discovered that holding a baby while pushing a shopping cart leads to other Costco shoppers seeing my cha-chas, as the weight of Baby and no hands free equals low cut shirt becoming even lower cut. Good times were had by all.
I made one last frantic search for baby food. Nothing. I sprinted up to the register and put my one can of formula and one tea kettle on the belt. I asked the cashier if they sold baby food, and she directed me towards Sam's Club, right down the road. Maybe next year. I'm not shelling out another $50 just so I can get a three gallon container of mushed up green beans.
After I got home and put Baby to bed, I turned on the stove and placed my new kettle on top. 30 minutes later, my kitchen smelled like gas mixed with homemade mac and cheese and the water still hadn't boiled. I'm still waiting for the water to boil...