29 May 2007

My Self Loathing, Part 2

I had a scary experience yesterday. I was sitting on the couch, reading imdb's celebrity gossip page to Baby, and I noticed someone on my front porch. The someone on my front porch didn't come to the door to knock; instead, he chained his bike to the railing on my front stoop and walked around to the back of my house. Initially I thought he was the guy reading the meter or something, and I thought maybe he'd go to the next house and so on down the street. He didn't. He paced up and down my driveway, up my front steps, and up and down the sidewalk in front of my house and my neighbors' houses. After several minutes, I started to get really scared. I didn't know why he kept pacing in front of my house and up my stairs. I was alone with Baby, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to call the police because I didn't want to be paranoid, but I also didn't want to die or be raped or robbed or anything like that. I decided I'd call my sister-in-law, and she'd tell me what to do. She didn't answer. Then I thought I'd just leave, and I'd be on the phone with someone while I was walking to the car, that way if something happened, there'd be a record of someone talking to me. I called two friends and my mother, but since they all have jobs, none of them answered. By this point, Baby was screaming, and the guy was still pacing up my driveway and steps. I emailed Husband and told him what was happening. His advice was to call my sister-in-law, so I tried her again. This time she answered and told me to call the police and that she'd come over. So I did. I felt awful doing it, but I was still scared, and Baby was still screaming. The police came eventually and talked to the guy, and eventually I ended up having a conversation with the guy and the police. The police assured me he wasn't in trouble; it turns out he was just here to look at my apartment. Our landlord said they'd left a message, but it went to Husband's phone number that's no longer in use. I apologized profusely to the guy and felt truly terrible about the whole situation, even though he said he'd want his wife to do the same thing.
When I was on the phone with 911, they asked me to describe the person hanging out in front of my house. I said he was a tall guy with a backpack who was well dressed. They asked about his race, and I told them. I felt terrible about it and kind of angry. I know the 911 guy was just doing his job, but I also felt that my description of a well dressed tall guy with a backpack was adequate.
I'm not a racist, at least I don't think I am. I've discussed adopting a child of a different race, if I ever end up having an extra $20,000 lying around. I make an effort to be equally friendly (or unfriendly) to all people. But I still feel as though I was being racist by calling the police yesterday. I think I would have done it regardless of race, but I can't help but think how it must have looked to the poor guy who was just trying to preview an apartment. It's just that I've never felt really safe on my street. There's a lot of activity at all hours, and we've occasionally heard gunshots and fights. I waited several minutes before calling the police simply because I didn't want to appear racist or as though I was overreacting. Eventually, though, I got so scared and found myself envisioning scenarios in which the guy stopped pacing in front of my house, pulled out a gun, and shot his way into the house and proceeded to do terrible things to me and Baby. I wanted to keep Baby safe, and that became my primary focus. And while I feel terrible about calling the cops on someone who was simply early for an appointment I should have known about, I at take some consolation in that I tried to keep my baby safe. I still feel guilty though and wish I could stop feeling as though I've done something terrible.

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