When I wasn't so self loathing

When I was finishing up graduate school, I was asked to give the "reflection" at our graduation Mass. This is it. I have to say, three years later, I'm not sure I'm any closer to understanding my call to follow. Maybe if I tried harder I would? Sometimes I even worry that I won't ever know the reason for certain things or there is no reason. It's not a fun mindset to have.

The Bible verses at the top are Mark 1:16-20.

As he passed by the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting their nets into the sea; they were fishermen.

17

Jesus said to them, "Come after me, and I will make you fishers of men."

18

Then they abandoned their nets and followed him.

19

He walked along a little farther and saw James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother John. They too were in a boat mending their nets.

20

Then he called them. So they left their father Zebedee in the boat along with the hired men and followed him

When I think about my time at Fordham, this reading seems especially appropriate. Coming here, I had no idea of what I was getting into. Pretty much my entire experience here has been an exercise in following. When I first met with the Dean to discuss the GSRRE, I was attending another graduate school. My roommate at the time and I had joked around, saying “Wouldn’t it be funny if he says to come next semester?” And, since I’m here, a year and a half later, you can all figure out what he said to me when I met with him. I was a little overwhelmed, although probably not nearly as overwhelmed as my mom was when I called her and said, “Hey, Ma, I’m changing schools.”

Not only was coming to Fordham an exercise in following, it was also an exercise in leaving. The Gospel talks about Simon and Andrew abandoning their nets, and James and John leaving their father. While I didn’t abandon a career or family, I did have to leave a fabulous apartment on 34^th street and find a new home for my kitten.

The Gospel doesn’t tell us what was going through the heads of Simon, Andrew, James, and John. Sometimes I like to think they were somewhat like me, knowing they needed to follow Jesus, but also questioning. Other times I like to think they just instinctively knew and they didn’t have wonder what they were doing or why they were doing it. I spent my entire first semester and my first summer here questioning why I was here. I knew God wanted me to be at Fordham, but at times, I thought He only wanted me here because He has some sort of sadistic sense of humor. I didn’t understand why God would want me so far from home, moving twice in a four month period, going to a school where I was, by far, the youngest student. Also, once I started at the GSRRE, I couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to meet the nice Catholic boy He surely wanted me to marry. I didn’t know why God wanted me to be as lonely and confused as I was those first six months.

For a long time I didn’t understand why I was here. It’s only been now, as I’ve started to prepare to leave, that God’s reasoning is becoming clearer. Because I followed, I got an education that challenged me in ways I hadn’t expected. Because I followed, I interacted with and got to know people I normally would have ignored or written off. Because I followed, I had an opportunity to visit different churches with different liturgical and worship styles. Because I followed, I had a roommate who has never hesitated to talk to me, help me think things through, or call me out when I’m being too hard on myself. Because I followed, I have met people who share my same interests, passions, and frustrations. Because I followed, I had a chance to backpack in Europe last summer, an experience as formative as anything else in the last two years.

And now, with my time at Fordham coming to an end, I’m being asked to follow again. And like those Jesus called, I don’t know quite where He’s asking me to go or what He’s asking me to do. All I really know is that I’m being told, once again, to follow.

With just a few weeks left until graduation, we’re all once again being told to abandon our respective nets to follow Jesus. Some of us will have to leave homes and surrogate families that we’ve formed in our time in New York. Some of us will simply have to make the transition from being students to employment, and some of us will have to return to wherever it is we came from. All we really know right now is that we have to leave, we have to follow Jesus, and the rest will be revealed to us in time.