The Great Formula Debate*

*If you have boy parts or are squeamish, you might want to stop reading now.
I watch a lot of TV these days. Most mornings, Baby and I watch the Today show, Live With Regis and Kelly, the harpies on the View, the Insider, and Access Hollywood. That brings us to one o'clock, when the television just kind of defaults to the ABC soaps until it's time for Dr. Phil at 3 o'clock. And before you start thinking I'm a completely horrible mama, just because the TV's on doesn't mean I'm paying attention to it. Baby and I are usually playing or cuddling or eating or trying very hard to sleep.
Anyway, yesterday the Today show did a feature on a growing group of parents called "grupsters." Here is an article about them. I didn't read the whole article because it's eight pages long and I have a terribly short attention span, but I did skim the first page. Basically grupsters are parents who actively try not to let having kids change their lives or make them boring. I had this attitude before I had Baby and still do to a certain extent. I'd ask questions like "Can we take the baby on the boat this summer?" or "Can I let my second graders hold my baby?" which would cause Husband to say something along the lines of "I don't think you should be in charge of this baby," or "Do you know anything at all about babies?" I expected Baby would be a week old and we'd be eating in the same fancy restaurants we ate in before he arrived, going to the movies, hanging out at Barnes and Noble, and visiting friends and family in the DC area. I thought I'd be one of those hip mamas hanging out at coffeeshops while my baby slept serenely in the sling. Clearly, I didn't know anything about babies.
I'd still like to do those things, and I'm thankful that Baby seems pretty adaptable so far, but living the same life I lived before or even the life I pictured living doesn't seem possible right now. First of all, Baby does not seem to enjoy the sling, and the Baby Bjorn has about a 50% success rate. Secondly, just preparing to leave the house is a huge undertaking. Baby has to be changed. Then I need to check the bag to make sure I've got diapers, changing pad, wipes, phone, wallet, keys, pacifier (sometimes), extra outfit, spit-up cloth, and camera since he's so cute. Next, I have to make sure I have everything I need. Finally, it's time to put Baby in his carseat, a ritual that generally leaves Baby screaming and looking at me with eyes that say "Mama, Mama, why do you hate me so?"
But the biggest problem with me adapting Baby to the life I want is food. I am breastfeeding. When I was pregnant, I don't think formula feeding ever crossed my mind, even though I knew a few people who did it successfully. When people asked me if I was going to breastfeed I was always kind of surprised for a second or two, not because they were basically asking me about my cha chas, but because it was something I really never considered. I guess I just assumed I would.
To be perfectly honest, I hated nursing for the first 2 1/2 weeks. It made me sleepy, I didn't feel like I was bonding with him the way I thought I was supposed to, and I've said so many times in the last six weeks, "Baby, it's not a fucking wrestling match." Now that I've gotten used to it, however, I'm actually enjoying it. During the day, it gives me time to catch up on my celebrity gossip and answer emails. And since my friend Katie told me about Hooter Hiders, Baby has become a lot more portable, and I've got some semblance of modesty back. I don't even mind whipping out the Hooter Hider and feeding Baby in a parking lot or if necessary, I guess I could do it in a restaurant. My sister bought me a pump, so I could even leave Baby with a bottle or two if I wanted to go out on my own. So my newfound lack of modesty coupled with awesome pump means that everything should be fine.
I can't make a bottle. My body will not do it. I will spend hours and hours pumping, when Baby is willing to play in his chair or swing or sleep, and I will get at best 2 oz. out. I have tried all the suggested tricks-pumping before a feed, after a feed, during a feed, while thinking of Baby, while looking at Baby, etc. Nothing helps. Once I went for six hours in between a feeding on one side and pumping it, and I still got less than 3 oz. out. I asked the pediatrician, and she said it's pretty normal and to keep in mind that Baby is getting enough because he is much better at getting the milk than the pump is. This means that I have to plan for days in advance if I want to be away for an extended time or if I want to leave Baby. When I knew I was going house hunting, I started pumping two days before and pumped for at least 30 minutes two to three times a day and still only managed to get about 6 oz, and he ate almost all of it. Plus, I nursed him a few times while I was out. Last night, I pumped 30 minutes on both sides and got less than 2 oz. out. My sister-in-law offered to keep Baby for an hour or two earlier this week so I could go to the bank and Target. I had to say no because what little milk I'd made had to be saved for house hunting. I am kind of at my end, and I don't really know what to do.
Husband and I have been engaging in a discussion for the last few weeks over whether or not we should give Baby the occasional bottle of formula. One of my friends suggested that giving him the occasional bottle of formula at night would help with some of his erratic sleep patterns and would give me and Husband a chunk of uninterrupted sleep each night. Or instead of giving the formula at night, I could leave Baby for a couple hours in the afternoon or evening. Or I could give him the formula and pump my milk and save it. Endless possibilities.
The occasional bottle of formula seems like a great solution to a very frustrating problem, except for the guilt I feel. When people ask me how I'm feeding Baby they seem to relax and smile when I tell them. My books and the websites I frequent hail the benefits of breastmilk. I feel selfish even considering it, especially when I think of all the people out there who would have liked to have nursed their babies and weren't able to. I feel selfish when I think about how I won't be able to nurse him for a whole year because I'll be going back to work in August, and he'll be stuck with formula then. I really don't know what to do though because I can't be constantly attached to Baby.
I think, that if it weren't for their sleeping and eating habits, having a baby would be the most fun thing ever.